first loves

been thinking about how the way we love today compared to the way we used to when we just started out, and how perceptions and priorities have changed. i guess on first glance, the first official relationship would be the first love, and maybe at the time i thought i loved him, tho i really think somewhere in the back of my mind i knew that it wasnt so much love as more of a excitement to try something new. there wasnt the desire to constantly talk to him or call or msg or whatever, but it was sweet and it was really nice while it lasted, and of course despite all the drama that followed, i know that i did like him alot at that time. but when i think about it, my first love was the one who i couldnt get out of my mind for one and a half years, who i tried and tried and tried to force myself to forget but couldnt, who, when i went out with him, knowing that it was platonic, i couldnt help imagining holding my hand and telling me that he felt the same. oh well. first loves are strange things i suppose. they hit you suddenly, out of the blue and you are caught unawares, completely turned inside out but the simplest eye contact, and in loving them you are bold and innocent, doing things that, looking back, you hate yourself for doing because they were so silly and stupid. i remember sitting on a couch with timmo talking abt one particular moment, and i couldnt help smiling and my heart was so full that it could burst. it was just the smallest thing, the lightest touch, and i couldnt get it out of my head. how things have changed huh.
i look around me now and i see people looking with the future in mind. people who have so many things to do and places to be and people to meet that there is no time to even think abt that twang in the heart, and i know that i am one of them, one of those who have turned cynical and blase about ever finding that real love, that one person who fits the Perfect Man in my mind, one of those who have lost the boldness of youth. we age, and the wisdom of the ages comes along with each year, and thoughts and doubts and fears that Youth never knew now flood our minds, and i find now that i am a coward who knows too much and dares too little.

oh wells. dunno why im sharing this now also. i guess i felt it was a suitable day

also,

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY ESMOND LOON!

though you kinda piss me off sometimes and i guess i sometimes piss u off too, you will always be one of the people i hold dearest to my heart..awwww. haha. still remember when u would come my hse to watch naruto the whole day..havent really matured much since then HUH!

and...

HAVE FUN IN CAMP! :p